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Yowza, Here We Go!

I've got a lot to say but let's see how much of it is actually worth saying…

Sparkle

Never let anyone dull your sparkle.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress at work. Mostly because I’m not allowed to make a single decision on my own. It’s come to the point where I can’t breathe. I took off a day earlier in the week because that environment was suffocating me. Normally, I’m able to keep my depression at bay. But that day, I lost all control. I didn’t get out of bed for fear of drowning. I was angry and I spent the little energy I had on being angry about my situation. It wasn’t until I started looking for other jobs that I started to have enough energy to physically get out of bed.

Today, I went back to work and the person that’s causing me this stress was not there. I felt like I could breath even for a little bit. Only problem? I’ll have to go to work tomorrow, a Saturday, to once again be micromanaged. Not looking forward to it at all.

But the little breath I had today just may carry me until the end of the year or maybe until March 2018. Then, I can move to another job without it being taboo that I moved before an entire year at the same company.

I just hope I don’t lose my ability to think on my own, make decisions, mistakes, correcting said mistakes before I am able to leave. Here’s to hoping that my little sparkle of hope continues to shine before I’m lost to the world forever.

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One-Way

Always look both ways before turning into a left one-way street. If you don’t, you might get hit by a 18 wheeler. You won’t even see it coming. You’ll be crushed from limb to limb. You’ll wake up in a hospital not knowing what happened to you. You’ll learn that you won’t be able to walk for a long time. You’ll be completely dependent on the hospital staff for over 6 months. You will become more depressed than ever. That’s when you’ll start to remember us. You’ll remember the good times, the laughter, the pure joy of being together. You’ll use those memories to get through your darkest hours. You will learn to slowly walk. You will learn to be a decent human being who is nice to the staff. You will learn that those that are less fortunate are there because it’s a choice. You will learn that you have to earn respect. You will learn that throwing money at everyone doesn’t work. You will learn that burying yourself in work left you with no one to care for you during this time. Perhaps then, you’ll know how much it hurt when I said “I love you.” And all you responded with was “I’m sorry but it’s one-sided.” The pain I felt then was worse than what you’d feel during and after you accident. I hope you never feel this pain and you just become a better person but I’m not holding out hope.

 

Obviously, I’m in a weird mood and this little story went in a much different direction than what I’d originally started with.

Always look both ways before turning into a left one-way street. That’s one of the best driving instructions I’ve had.

Earlier today, I checked the daily prompt and saw the word Knit. I immediately thought of a close-knit family. It reminded me of the ‘good’ times when my entire family was together working towards higher education. Nowt that goal has been achieved for us all, it feels as though my family has fallen apart. We’re all at least a 12 hour drive from each other. We all have different jobs, goals, friends, ambitions. Even when we get together, I never truly feel like I’m part of this now grown up family.

To shake off this horrible feeling, I decided to think about other things that I could write about with the word knit. It took me a while to realize that many others would have thought of knitting needles. Then I thought to myself, “that really bites.”

I was not aware that The Daily Prompt allowed 2 prompts per day. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been MIA for most of the year. But hey, at least I’m getting back to it. A while ago, we had a wonderful and amazing german shepherd. He was huge and weighed about 92 pounds. I was young so I weighed less than me. Whenever I was around him, I felt protected. Then one day, while I was walking him or more like he was walking me, he started barring his teeth at a rabbit. And that’s when it finally hit me. This shepard may be my friend but I shouldn’t ever upset him because if he decides to bite me, that may very well lead to me losing a limb.

I’ve always heard that you’re supposed to snack throughout the day. That’s the healthier way. That doesn’t really work for me. Most if not all of my snacks are whole meals rather than little bites. So now I eat 2 super big meals a day and just don’t keep any snacks around. This has helped a lot more than following the health advice. I suppose you must do what is best for you and no one knows what’s best for your body than yourself…this analogy only works in this context, not any others that you may think up.

Percussive

I had to look up the definition of the word Percussive. Merriam-Webster defines it as “of or relating to percussion, especially: operative or operating by striking” and as “having powerful impact.”

For me this is one of those definitions that requires me to look up words within the description in order to understand the entire meaning. [Side bar: this reminds me a little too much of law school.] In this definition, I had to look up the word percussion. And again the word is used in its own definition. Best I’ve been able to come close to is “percussing” that defines it to a level that I can understand: “to tap sharply.”

The Medical definition of Percussion is defined as “the act or technique of tapping the surface of a body part to learn the condition of the parts beneath by the resulting sound.”

Usage: I hate it when the doctor percusses my knee with the little hammer. The anxiety before hammer hits makes me kick before the doctor even gets close to me. I highly doubt the doctor ever gets accurate result from this percussive action.

Not sure if I used it correctly. However, if one of you wonderful readers would like to correct me and give me a real definition of the word, I’d be delighted. The nerd in me loves to learn.

The Kittens; Not the Underdogs

My humans got me and my 6 siblings when we were just kittens. My sister and I were the underdogs. Our siblings always made fun of us. We wanted our siblings gone just so they’d stop bullying us. Then one terrifying day, they kicked us all out. At first I was really excited because it was the first time I’d smelled fresh air and felt the grass under my little paws. I could only see my little sister the entire time though. I thought the others would follow on their own or were just taking a nap. I saw my humans bring them out one by one and put them in a bigger box. I was so excited. I wanted to get in the box but then the box moved. It was just me and my sister then. My little sister and I decided to take the time to explore now that the humans weren’t there. It was absolutely wonderful. But our family never came.  We waited and waited for the rest of our siblings but they never came. I hung onto my little sister – more like she protected me.  We took a nap thinking that maybe when we wake up, it’ll all be over. The box was back and we were so happy but my siblings didn’t come back.  We were hungry. We meowed to let our humans know to feed us, to take us back into their home, to comfort us but that never happened. We hid underneath the huge box.

All that meowing brought another set of humans to us. We were scared of them. My sister being the brave one decided to go to them. They put a little leash on her and then gave her water and some food. One human came back to get me but I was so scared. I wanted to stay in case my siblings came back. But then my hunger got the best of me. I willingly entered their home. They also put a leash on me and then fed me. I felt good. I was ready to go to sleep. I decided that I’ll see about what to do tomorrow.

The new humans fed us the next day too. They even gave us name, Felix and Crystal. We’d never had names before. Did that mean that we would adopt these humans? We decided to test it out. When they were sleeping in the middle of the night, we started meowing loudly and running throughout the house. One human woke up and came down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about. When she saw us, instead of getting mad, she picked us up and took us to her room. We slept on her bed knowing that we were finally home.

Zip

Shall I be silenced?

Shall I zip my mouth?

Shall I zip up my dreams to help you?

Shall I give up my career to better yours?

Shall I zip it all up so you’re not the bad guy?

I owe you nothing, especially not my silence.

Minimal Control

Anxiety’s all about not having control (at least for me).

When moving to a new place, there’s no control over how it’ll go.

When starting a new job, there’s no control over how co-workers will receive you.

When current job hasn’t given a definitive guidelines on exit interviews, there’s no control on how it’ll end.

When there’s a quarterly review going on, there’s no control over how the supervisor will perceive it.

When court in another city gets cancelled, as a prospective juror, there’s no control.

Right now, I feel as though I don’t even a minimal amount of control over my life.

Cue anxiety attacks every hour.

 

Here’s what I do have more than a minimal amount of control over.

Enjoying the beautiful weather and interacting with those out & about

Making conversations with people from all walks of life – either outside or inside (internet)

The food I chose to put into my stomach – it’ll be yummy tonight. Definitely getting a coke (the soda)

How well I chose to dress up or down – pajamas in bed it is & that’s ok

Focusing on finishing my goals for March 2017 – visiting an art gallery & reading a fun book

Watching a variety of shows on Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon Prime – I chose.

 

While I don’t’ have control over the external things in my life, it’s all about focusing on what I can control. I suppose, it’s all about leaving it up to the One above & having faith He’s got the best life planned for you.

Perfect recipe for minimal anxiety attacks

Label

Before I even speak, my skin color already labels me as a non-white, non-back, brown person. Many believe that I’ll never be successful because I’m not white. Many don’t believe that I’ll know struggle because I’m not black. Many believe that brown equals unintelligent. All labels. All stereotypes. All hurtful.

If you’re white, doesn’t mean you’ll always be successful. It takes years of work.  Just because you’re black, doesn’t mean that you’ll never not know struggle (or maybe that’s a stereotype/label I have. Not meant to be offensive). Just because you’re brown, doesn’t mean you’re unintelligent. There’s many different types of intelligences out there.

All I’ve learned about stereotypes and microaggressions is how to break them and make people confront the labels they’ve created for different races. I’m a brown woman. I came from a low income household. I am now an attorney. I don’t have a lot of money now but I live a comfortable lifestyle. What I do have now is this wonderful comment an advocate from a different agency made: “you’re breaking stereotypes all over. A woman. Brown. An attorney practicing law in East Texas [where it’s mostly a man’s world.”

#HumbleBrag

This post is not meant to be offensive and I apologize in advance if it is.

Moving

I feel like I have a massive weight on my shoulders. I am in the middle of moving. I’m not the biggest fan of change so knowing that everything is about to change scares me. I’m moving to a new city and new job. It’s good for me to make the move but I can’t help be terrified if I’m making the right decision or not. I’ve been in East Texas for over a year now and gotten used to it. This moves makes 5 moves within 5 years and 5 cities.

I want stability. I’m in a really lucky position because I get to do that but I still wake up with nightmares. I don’t know what to expect. My anxiety is at an all times high. I have no idea what’s going to happen to my clients from here when I leave and I refuse to abandon them so now I’m going to be doing two jobs in the amount of time available – that for one job.

I’m going on a vacation in May and even though I’m a US citizen, I’m scared of what Trump’s going to do for a non-white person like me. I’ve been a good citizen so far, not even a traffic ticket. I pay my taxes & am in a professional setting. But I’m still scared of Trump’s administration might try to do.

My heart is constantly thumping and I can’t sleep.

 

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