I forced my friendship with you
You were asking another girl to the movies
She was taking too long to say NO
All three of us knew it
I jumped in and made plans with you instead
Did I tell you I’m great at third wheeling?
I always “forgot” to read for class, meaning I just gave up
But I wasn’t afraid of what to say if the professor called on me
I knew that you always did your assignments and
You’d fill me in on the readings before class
And I’d always be fine because you were my friend
Did I tell you I’m great at asking for help?
I enjoyed watching movies with you
My favorite part was planning it 20 minutes before
You were the only friend spontaneous enough to go with my crazy ideas
You’d ask me 5 minutes before and then showing up at my door
Telling me that it was time to go; watching the trailers was my favorite part
Did we both know we were making future plans for the upcoming weekends?
I remember on Halloween, I dressed up as Elsa
You refused to go with me saying it looked like you kidnapped a child
But we went anyways and watched a Disney movie
We talked about drag racing on the way back
I told you you’d die soon if you didn’t quit smoking soon
Did I tell you that I can be a real nuisance at times?
I missed two weekends hanging out with you
My parents came to town for one and the other
Well, there was too much time conflict with both our lives
We texted, me getting mad at you for not making time
You laughed it off and I laughed at the text but didn’t respond
Did I tell you that it was only because I had no comeback?
It was early Tuesday when another friend noticed but not me
I was too involved in my own life to even realize you were missing
I texted and didn’t get a respond but I wasn’t worried
I figured you were sick like you’d told your boss and were still recovering
I went on with my life making plans for the future like nothing was wrong
Did I tell you that I believe that people tell the truth? At least to friends?
When your friends called me Wednesday night asking if I knew where you were
All I did was show up to your dorm and ask staff if you were ok and they said yes
I believed them and didn’t ask any more questions and just walked away
I texted and called you in a frantic frenzy but didn’t do any more beside leave messages
I figured you were busy carrying on with your life but I’d make a report in the morning
Did I tell you I thought that was enough and I’d done my part?
The next day, I walked by your class making sure I wasn’t being paranoid
You weren’t there. I figured it was a bug and it’d take you a week to recover
I went to my classes but couldn’t pay attention to anything or figure out why
During the breaks, I couldn’t let the nagging feeling go that something’s wrong
I blamed it on just not being prepared enough for class because you didn’t teach me
Did you know that I didn’t get any work done on Thursday?
It wasn’t until my last class that I opened an email from the school Dean
The subject said: Sad News – 2L with your name on it
It said you had taken your life Wednesday night
I have never lost a friend before so I didn’t know what to do
Especially when the professor said she was sorry for my loss
Did you know I went home and cried?
It’s only been four days and I’m past crying and onto being mad as hell
I’m mad at you for not thinking I wouldn’t have been there for you
I’m beyond pissed at myself for being a horrible friend that didn’t look hard enough
I’m furious at the world because I found out about your death via an email
Most of all, I keep reading that email hoping that somehow it’s not your name
Did you know it’s really hard for me to accept that your death wasn’t my fault?
I want some answers; I want to know why you did it
I’ve been looking at all the news and no one’s mentioned your name
I must be a horrible friend because I keep thinking about myself and not your family
I have to go to school on Monday and pretend that I’m all right and nothing’s wrong
You always put a smile on my face and that’s how I’ll always remember you
Did I tell you I hope to find the strength to ask for help if and when I need it?