I forced my friendship with you

You were asking another girl to the movies

She was taking too long to say NO

All three of us knew it

I jumped in and made plans with you instead

Did I tell you I’m great at third wheeling?

 

I always “forgot” to read for class, meaning I just gave up

But I wasn’t afraid of what to say if the professor called on me

I knew that you always did your assignments and

You’d fill me in on the readings before class

And I’d always be fine because you were my friend

Did I tell you I’m great at asking for help?

 

I enjoyed watching movies with you

My favorite part was planning it 20 minutes before

You were the only friend spontaneous enough to go with my crazy ideas

You’d ask me 5 minutes before and then showing up at my door

Telling me that it was time to go; watching the trailers was my favorite part

Did we both know we were making future plans for the upcoming weekends?

 

I remember on Halloween, I dressed up as Elsa

You refused to go with me saying it looked like you kidnapped a child

But we went anyways and watched a Disney movie

We talked about drag racing on the way back

I told you you’d die soon if you didn’t quit smoking soon

Did I tell you that I can be a real nuisance at times?

 

I missed two weekends hanging out with you

My parents came to town for one and the other

Well, there was too much time conflict with both our lives

We texted, me getting mad at you for not making time

You laughed it off and I laughed at the text but didn’t respond

Did I tell you that it was only because I had no comeback?

 

It was early Tuesday when another friend noticed but not me

I was too involved in my own life to even realize you were missing

I texted and didn’t get a respond but I wasn’t worried

I figured you were sick like you’d told your boss and were still recovering

I went on with my life making plans for the future like nothing was wrong

Did I tell you that I believe that people tell the truth? At least to friends?

 

When your friends called me Wednesday night asking if I knew where you were

All I did was show up to your dorm and ask staff if you were ok and they said yes

I believed them and didn’t ask any more questions and just walked away

I texted and called you in a frantic frenzy but didn’t do any more beside leave messages

I figured you were busy carrying on with your life but I’d make a report in the morning

Did I tell you I thought that was enough and I’d done my part?

 

The next day, I walked by your class making sure I wasn’t being paranoid

You weren’t there. I figured it was a bug and it’d take you a week to recover

I went to my classes but couldn’t pay attention to anything or figure out why

During the breaks, I couldn’t let the nagging feeling go that something’s wrong

I blamed it on just not being prepared enough for class because you didn’t teach me

Did you know that I didn’t get any work done on Thursday?

 

It wasn’t until my last class that I opened an email from the school Dean

The subject said: Sad News – 2L with your name on it

It said you had taken your life Wednesday night

I have never lost a friend before so I didn’t know what to do

Especially when the professor said she was sorry for my loss

Did you know I went home and cried?

 

It’s only been four days and I’m past crying and onto being mad as hell

I’m mad at you for not thinking I wouldn’t have been there for you

I’m beyond pissed at myself for being a horrible friend that didn’t look hard enough

I’m furious at the world because I found out about your death via an email

Most of all, I keep reading that email hoping that somehow it’s not your name

Did you know it’s really hard for me to accept that your death wasn’t my fault?

 

I want some answers; I want to know why you did it

I’ve been looking at all the news and no one’s mentioned your name

I must be a horrible friend because I keep thinking about myself and not your family

I have to go to school on Monday and pretend that I’m all right and nothing’s wrong

You always put a smile on my face and that’s how I’ll always remember you

Did I tell you I hope to find the strength to ask for help if and when I need it?

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