Apologies are always hard, especially when the person you are apologizing to is yourself.

This may seem like the most selfish thing in the world but I have to apologize to myself. My past self needs to apologize to my present self, my present self needs to apologize to my future self, and my future self needs to apologize to both my present and past selves.

Apology from past to present me:

I’m sorry. I have always tried to push you hard into being a good person. I equated your value and your humanness to good grades. Not good people. I’m sorry that I made you learn about depression in a way you never wanted to know it. However, I will never apologize about making you aware of mental illness. I want to apologize for you missing out on some big opportunities because I would’t get out of bed. Looking back, I’m sure you hate me but from the past, try to remember getting out of bed was the best thing that could’ve happened during the day. I want to apologize that I took our parents and family for granted. I should have done more for them. I should have been a better friend to A.B. who committed suicide. I’m sorry that I made you feel that somehow for some odd reason you felt nothing when you found out he died. I’m sorry that I went on my day like nothing had happened. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel the pain then and now you have to deal with it in random bursts of self pity.

Apology from present to future me:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I equate a good career to your value as a human being in society. I am working on it. I’m sorry that I’m still having a hard time learning how to make friends. I’m sorry that on top of dealing with depression, I’ve added anxiety into the mix. Heck, I’ve added a heck more than just anxiety, what with the self loathing and pity. Sad part is, no matter how many times I say it, I know that sorry won’t make me ever go back on anything. I’m sorry that I’m having such a hard time establishing relationships. I’m sorry that I’m letting my career take over the desire to be a good friend. I’m sorry that you have me to deal with.

Apology from future to past and present me:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve always been there as a barrier to you living life instead of worrying about me. I’m sorry that I gave you depression. I’m sorry that I gave you anxiety. I’m sorry that you felt that you wouldn’t amount to anything if you didn’t have good grades or a great career. I’m sorry that I didn’t back away and just let you be a good person.I’m sorry that whenever you’re down, somewhere deep down, I’m always the reason. I’m sorry that I’ve kept you both, past and present selves, from enjoying your own time. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you in time to tell you everything will be fine. But I am proud of both of you, my past and present selves, because no matter what’s come our way or thought it’d come our way, you have always had faith in God. You’ve always held on the fact that He’ll make everything great. I’m sorry that you don’t have faith in yourself but in hindsight, faith in God’s all you’ve ever needed.

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