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Yowza, Here We Go!

I've got a lot to say but let's see how much of it is actually worth saying…

Moving

I feel like I have a massive weight on my shoulders. I am in the middle of moving. I’m not the biggest fan of change so knowing that everything is about to change scares me. I’m moving to a new city and new job. It’s good for me to make the move but I can’t help be terrified if I’m making the right decision or not. I’ve been in East Texas for over a year now and gotten used to it. This moves makes 5 moves within 5 years and 5 cities.

I want stability. I’m in a really lucky position because I get to do that but I still wake up with nightmares. I don’t know what to expect. My anxiety is at an all times high. I have no idea what’s going to happen to my clients from here when I leave and I refuse to abandon them so now I’m going to be doing two jobs in the amount of time available – that for one job.

I’m going on a vacation in May and even though I’m a US citizen, I’m scared of what Trump’s going to do for a non-white person like me. I’ve been a good citizen so far, not even a traffic ticket. I pay my taxes & am in a professional setting. But I’m still scared of Trump’s administration might try to do.

My heart is constantly thumping and I can’t sleep.

 

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Wish

I wish I didn’t have student loan debt.

I wish I didn’t have anxiety.

I wish I didn’t have depression.

I wish I could be good at something, at anything.

I wish I was good enough for my own liking.

I wish I did not feel so alone in the world.

I wish I could just take the easy way out.

Instead, I work daily so I can pay off my debt even when my mental illness has me down.

Instead, I use various breathing techniques to let the air stuck between my lungs out.

Instead, I fight the monsters in my own head to get out of bed.

Instead, I focus on learning a little about everything and re-learning what I already know.

Instead, I remind myself that I have it better than most and to be happy.

Instead, I force my introverted self to interact with as many strangers as possible.

Instead, I keep faith for a better tomorrow & put all my trust in Him.

The Quickening of My Heartbeat

The Quickening of my heartbeat

the next new challenge of my life

Observing a jury trial for a capital murder case

Everyone is so quiet; the silence is killing me

Can everyone hear the quickening of my heartbeat?

I’m not even involved in this case in any way

so why do I feel that a tsunami is about to be unleashed?

The defense team has more players than the prosecutorial team

Yet there’s more public sitting behind the prosecution than the defense

wonder if there’ve been any last minute surprises for either team

More importantly, why is this causing the quickening of my heartbeat?

Is this anxiety? Want for Justice? The search for the truth?

Let’s hope the judge isn’t too quicken to grant a judgment

There’s way too many guards here, wonder what the defendant’s done

Will his 12 peers be quick to make up their own minds

Who will win? Is there a win when a murderer is involved?

Who cares because all this is doing is causing the quickening of my heartbeat

It’s best that I go along with my life without thinking of all the strangers in the courtroom

Center of My Own Anxiety

My life is falling apart all around me.

Nothing makes sense. Nothing is perfect.

Something worse is always waiting around the corner.

I must become the center of my own happiness.

 

Where am I going to live a month from now?

Will be a good enough attorney for my client and her children?

Am I making the right choice by moving?

Why do others think it’s perfectly ok to use discriminatory slurs against me?

Am I wrong to file official complaints against them?

Why have I not heard anything back on this now 2 month old investigation?

How do I deal with the fact that I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship with my parents?

Is my career good enough? Am I good enough?

How do I become the center of my own happiness?

 

I suppose all I can do is have faith in the One above.

I must keep praying and hoping for the best.

Trust in the All-Mighty’s plan for my life

the only way that I’ll get rid of anxiety as the center of my life.

Gone are etiquette and common sense

Gone are etiquette and common sense

I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes, I really do lack common sense but that’s more b/c I do not have the right cultural background. So sometimes, what is normal in my native culture is the dumbest thing to do in the culture that I’ve now integrated myself into.

But even then, some things DO translate.

For the love of God, do not call people after 9pm if you’re not related, in a relationship, haven’t talked in months, barring emergencies. Assume rest of post is not for emergency situations.

If you absolutely must call and you’re leaving a voicemail, do NOT let it be: “I need to talk to you about something. Call me back.” WTF???

Why would you give a person a panic attack?

It’s not an emergency. Do not call past 9pm. Do not leave a cryptic voicemail that can be taken to mean an emergency situation has arisen especially when the matter can be easily discussed during daylight hours. And, if you already know both of our schedules allow it to to place the calls during working hours.

What happens when you don’t follow the rule? The callee even if willing to help in the first place will now go out of their way never to help the caller.

It’s not just etiquette; it’s also common sense.

Black & Chaotic Interior

The interior of my home looks haphazardly put together

One color runs through all the mismatching furniture: black

It wasn’t planned; it just happened

Others compliment it as being artistic

Ha Ha Ha. If only the knew how all the furniture really came to be in my possession

It’s all hand me downs. Nothing new. Nothing I’ve bought for myself

It’s become a collection of beautiful & chaotic black furniture

Sometimes, I do not recognize my own home

Yet somehow, I always know that I can change it to make it better.

 

The interior of my mind can only be described as chaos

One emotion is felt above all: anger

I didn’t plan on being angry; it just happened

Others compliment me as being well put together

Ha Ha Ha. If only they knew how anger came to be my first & foremost emotion

It’s borrowed anger. How can people be so cruel? Nothing I’ve brought on myself.

It’s become a collection of anger & yelling & almost no happiness

Sometimes, I do not recognize my own mind

Yet, somehow, I always know I can pray to God to make it better

Year: 2016 Resolutions Completed & Challenges for 2017!

1 Year = 31,536,000 seconds, 525,600 minutes, 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months

Year 2016: I made a list of ridiculous new year’s resolutions. As the year neared, I realized that I completed at least 97% of that list. I got a new job. I visited far more than 12 new places. I ate at more than 50 new restaurants. I made 6 new art projects – ugly but I still did it. By far, my absolute favorite hated resolution was to force myself out of my comfort zone. I achieved it more than 30 times, with an abundance of anxiety but I’m proud of myself. I completed what I thought was impossible for to ever do.

2017: I hesitate to make new year’s resolutions. See the anxiety already creeping the doubts into the deepest parts of my subconscious? I’m not going to let it have an impact this year…at least a huge one. I had such a great 2016 following a list of to-dos. Will I be able to complete it in 2017? I’ve got the time, 31,536,000 seconds to be exact. I think that for the upcoming year, I will read 24 books and beat 2016’s number of 17. I will visit at least 24 new places. I will eat at 24 new restaurants/fast food places. I will complete at least 12 art projects. I will write at least 12 poems. Scary thoughts but I challenge myself to check off these items in the next 525,600 minutes.

365 days to learn how to relax & become stress free. Ha Ha Ha. Ridiculous idea but I’m up for it.

Every year, I make a new year’s resolution to blog daily. I’ve come to realize that it is not the best option for me. Life happens. I cannot always participate. I’ m mixing it up this year and only committing to at least 52 blog entries for the whole year – not week by week but all in total.

In 12 months, I’m excited to see how much I grow as a person. Join me on my journey to discover myself.

Sacred

In 2016, I was officially diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety along being told that I’m severely anemic. While the anemia is easily treatable with enough iron in my body, the depression and anxiety has been a lot harder to overcome.

I’ve been in therapy for almost the entire year. I have learned different relaxing techniques to calm down my anxiety. I have gotten my anxiety down to just rapid heart rate, instead of the whole not breathing thing. Proud of myself for using cognitive therapy skills to better cope with my anxiety.

The depression has been the worst one to deal with so far. I have been taking medication (paxil) almost religiously. It’s still been extremely hard to overcome. I’ve taken many mental health days off of work to cope with it. Thankfully, I have not missed anything major and my work is very accommodating of mental illness. The paxil makes me yawn nonstop and makes me seem so unprofessional. Even when on the medication, I have not been able to force myself to get out of bed. It’s been really tough. It was sometime last week when it finally hit me how depressed I really was. I was looking up how to kill myself with a paxil overdose. My wake up call.

It was during those desperate moments that I decided to make a sacred pact with myself and decided to get off the medication altogether and naturally treat depression. I have made a plan to force myself to do a plethora of things to take me to the end of 2016 and then ways to implement them in 2017. I plan on joining the gym, getting more sunshine, journaling/blogging, positive thinking, realizing constantly that I am doing something worthwhile with myself. I know that it will be a lot harder than I think it may be to overcome depression but I am going to do it. The medical side effects are almost worse than the actual depression. I can no longer participate in that. I will continue to go to therapy though and implementing various techniques to continue overcoming my anxiety & now depression.

I give myself at least until February 2017 to see if my natural ways help or not before going back on any type of medication. I understand that there is a time and need for it but for me, I’m done with it – at least for now.

Through therapy, I have finally come to realize why I’ve been more depressed now than I was previously. It is going to sound so selfish and it is but I’ve always been an overachiever. I’ve always relished in doing many things and relishing in my success. I didn’t have a choice then. I had to work 4 jobs to pay for college. My parents could not afford it and I wouldn’t have asked them to pay for my education. My parents gave up their entire lives so that I could have a better education and moved across oceans. I couldn’t break their hearts and tell them that I can’t get to higher education because I simply cannot afford it. I made it happen somehow.

Now, my life seems to have calmed down a bit and I’m starting out my career, I don’t have that high anxiety & stress environment. I think that’s what’s causing my to have these feelings of unworthiness. For some reason, I think if I’m not busy all the time, I’m wasting away not only my life but the lives of 2 other people who gave up everything so that I could have a better life. The only thing is that I have no idea what more I could be doing.

I cannot volunteer where I live because the potential for a conflict of interest is pretty high in most of the places where I would even want to be. I don’t think that going back to school to get a second doctorate will really help much except for increasing my already $200K student loan. I’m at a loss but thankfully, Pinterest has provided me with many ideas to look into to see if I can naturally beat depression.

No matter what, I think that there’s always hope because no matter how ugly it gets, once you remember the grace & mercy of the One above, it’s all worthwhile!

Craving

It’s funny that today’s prompt is craving. I’m craving control. I was supposed to be doing outreach in a different city tomorrow but I found out about an hour ago, it’s been cancelled. Now, I don’t get to go home earlier because that city is closer to my parents than where I live. I wanted to see my parents tomorrow as it’s going to be my birthday. I haven’t lived in the same city as my parents in almost 5 years. While we’ve always celebrated my birthday together on a different day, I was looking forward to celebrating with them on my actual birthday. I understand that this makes me sound like a brat but I don’t know what else to do. I’m sad. I gave into my cravings today. I broke down and had a coca-cola today. I’ve been doing so good about not having any. I haven’t had any in a month. I was proud of myself. Now, I’m more mad at myself for giving into my craving. I also bought a ton of fried food and ate it all.

If only, I had control over myself and my schedule…

I just want to yell, cry, and hug the floor as I fall asleep.

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