Shall I be silenced?
Shall I zip my mouth?
Shall I zip up my dreams to help you?
Shall I give up my career to better yours?
Shall I zip it all up so you’re not the bad guy?
I owe you nothing, especially not my silence.
Anxiety’s all about not having control (at least for me).
When moving to a new place, there’s no control over how it’ll go.
When starting a new job, there’s no control over how co-workers will receive you.
When current job hasn’t given a definitive guidelines on exit interviews, there’s no control on how it’ll end.
When there’s a quarterly review going on, there’s no control over how the supervisor will perceive it.
When court in another city gets cancelled, as a prospective juror, there’s no control.
Right now, I feel as though I don’t even a minimal amount of control over my life.
Cue anxiety attacks every hour.
Here’s what I do have more than a minimal amount of control over.
Enjoying the beautiful weather and interacting with those out & about
Making conversations with people from all walks of life – either outside or inside (internet)
The food I chose to put into my stomach – it’ll be yummy tonight. Definitely getting a coke (the soda)
How well I chose to dress up or down – pajamas in bed it is & that’s ok
Focusing on finishing my goals for March 2017 – visiting an art gallery & reading a fun book
Watching a variety of shows on Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon Prime – I chose.
While I don’t’ have control over the external things in my life, it’s all about focusing on what I can control. I suppose, it’s all about leaving it up to the One above & having faith He’s got the best life planned for you.
Perfect recipe for minimal anxiety attacks
Before I even speak, my skin color already labels me as a non-white, non-back, brown person. Many believe that I’ll never be successful because I’m not white. Many don’t believe that I’ll know struggle because I’m not black. Many believe that brown equals unintelligent. All labels. All stereotypes. All hurtful.
If you’re white, doesn’t mean you’ll always be successful. It takes years of work. Just because you’re black, doesn’t mean that you’ll never not know struggle (or maybe that’s a stereotype/label I have. Not meant to be offensive). Just because you’re brown, doesn’t mean you’re unintelligent. There’s many different types of intelligences out there.
All I’ve learned about stereotypes and microaggressions is how to break them and make people confront the labels they’ve created for different races. I’m a brown woman. I came from a low income household. I am now an attorney. I don’t have a lot of money now but I live a comfortable lifestyle. What I do have now is this wonderful comment an advocate from a different agency made: “you’re breaking stereotypes all over. A woman. Brown. An attorney practicing law in East Texas [where it’s mostly a man’s world.”
This post is not meant to be offensive and I apologize in advance if it is.
I feel like I have a massive weight on my shoulders. I am in the middle of moving. I’m not the biggest fan of change so knowing that everything is about to change scares me. I’m moving to a new city and new job. It’s good for me to make the move but I can’t help be terrified if I’m making the right decision or not. I’ve been in East Texas for over a year now and gotten used to it. This moves makes 5 moves within 5 years and 5 cities.
I want stability. I’m in a really lucky position because I get to do that but I still wake up with nightmares. I don’t know what to expect. My anxiety is at an all times high. I have no idea what’s going to happen to my clients from here when I leave and I refuse to abandon them so now I’m going to be doing two jobs in the amount of time available – that for one job.
I’m going on a vacation in May and even though I’m a US citizen, I’m scared of what Trump’s going to do for a non-white person like me. I’ve been a good citizen so far, not even a traffic ticket. I pay my taxes & am in a professional setting. But I’m still scared of Trump’s administration might try to do.
My heart is constantly thumping and I can’t sleep.
I wish I didn’t have student loan debt.
I wish I didn’t have anxiety.
I wish I didn’t have depression.
I wish I could be good at something, at anything.
I wish I was good enough for my own liking.
I wish I did not feel so alone in the world.
I wish I could just take the easy way out.
Instead, I work daily so I can pay off my debt even when my mental illness has me down.
Instead, I use various breathing techniques to let the air stuck between my lungs out.
Instead, I fight the monsters in my own head to get out of bed.
Instead, I focus on learning a little about everything and re-learning what I already know.
Instead, I remind myself that I have it better than most and to be happy.
Instead, I force my introverted self to interact with as many strangers as possible.
Instead, I keep faith for a better tomorrow & put all my trust in Him.
The Quickening of my heartbeat
the next new challenge of my life
Observing a jury trial for a capital murder case
Everyone is so quiet; the silence is killing me
Can everyone hear the quickening of my heartbeat?
I’m not even involved in this case in any way
so why do I feel that a tsunami is about to be unleashed?
The defense team has more players than the prosecutorial team
Yet there’s more public sitting behind the prosecution than the defense
wonder if there’ve been any last minute surprises for either team
More importantly, why is this causing the quickening of my heartbeat?
Is this anxiety? Want for Justice? The search for the truth?
Let’s hope the judge isn’t too quicken to grant a judgment
There’s way too many guards here, wonder what the defendant’s done
Will his 12 peers be quick to make up their own minds
Who will win? Is there a win when a murderer is involved?
Who cares because all this is doing is causing the quickening of my heartbeat
It’s best that I go along with my life without thinking of all the strangers in the courtroom
My life is falling apart all around me.
Nothing makes sense. Nothing is perfect.
Something worse is always waiting around the corner.
I must become the center of my own happiness.
Where am I going to live a month from now?
Will be a good enough attorney for my client and her children?
Am I making the right choice by moving?
Why do others think it’s perfectly ok to use discriminatory slurs against me?
Am I wrong to file official complaints against them?
Why have I not heard anything back on this now 2 month old investigation?
How do I deal with the fact that I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship with my parents?
Is my career good enough? Am I good enough?
How do I become the center of my own happiness?
I suppose all I can do is have faith in the One above.
I must keep praying and hoping for the best.
Trust in the All-Mighty’s plan for my life
the only way that I’ll get rid of anxiety as the center of my life.
Gone are etiquette and common sense
I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes, I really do lack common sense but that’s more b/c I do not have the right cultural background. So sometimes, what is normal in my native culture is the dumbest thing to do in the culture that I’ve now integrated myself into.
But even then, some things DO translate.
For the love of God, do not call people after 9pm if you’re not related, in a relationship, haven’t talked in months, barring emergencies. Assume rest of post is not for emergency situations.
If you absolutely must call and you’re leaving a voicemail, do NOT let it be: “I need to talk to you about something. Call me back.” WTF???
Why would you give a person a panic attack?
It’s not an emergency. Do not call past 9pm. Do not leave a cryptic voicemail that can be taken to mean an emergency situation has arisen especially when the matter can be easily discussed during daylight hours. And, if you already know both of our schedules allow it to to place the calls during working hours.
What happens when you don’t follow the rule? The callee even if willing to help in the first place will now go out of their way never to help the caller.
It’s not just etiquette; it’s also common sense.
The interior of my home looks haphazardly put together
One color runs through all the mismatching furniture: black
It wasn’t planned; it just happened
Others compliment it as being artistic
Ha Ha Ha. If only the knew how all the furniture really came to be in my possession
It’s all hand me downs. Nothing new. Nothing I’ve bought for myself
It’s become a collection of beautiful & chaotic black furniture
Sometimes, I do not recognize my own home
Yet somehow, I always know that I can change it to make it better.
The interior of my mind can only be described as chaos
One emotion is felt above all: anger
I didn’t plan on being angry; it just happened
Others compliment me as being well put together
Ha Ha Ha. If only they knew how anger came to be my first & foremost emotion
It’s borrowed anger. How can people be so cruel? Nothing I’ve brought on myself.
It’s become a collection of anger & yelling & almost no happiness
Sometimes, I do not recognize my own mind
Yet, somehow, I always know I can pray to God to make it better