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Yowza, Here We Go!

I've got a lot to say but let's see how much of it is actually worth saying…

Year: 2016 Resolutions Completed & Challenges for 2017!

1 Year = 31,536,000 seconds, 525,600 minutes, 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months

Year 2016: I made a list of ridiculous new year’s resolutions. As the year neared, I realized that I completed at least 97% of that list. I got a new job. I visited far more than 12 new places. I ate at more than 50 new restaurants. I made 6 new art projects – ugly but I still did it. By far, my absolute favorite hated resolution was to force myself out of my comfort zone. I achieved it more than 30 times, with an abundance of anxiety but I’m proud of myself. I completed what I thought was impossible for to ever do.

2017: I hesitate to make new year’s resolutions. See the anxiety already creeping the doubts into the deepest parts of my subconscious? I’m not going to let it have an impact this year…at least a huge one. I had such a great 2016 following a list of to-dos. Will I be able to complete it in 2017? I’ve got the time, 31,536,000 seconds to be exact. I think that for the upcoming year, I will read 24 books and beat 2016’s number of 17. I will visit at least 24 new places. I will eat at 24 new restaurants/fast food places. I will complete at least 12 art projects. I will write at least 12 poems. Scary thoughts but I challenge myself to check off these items in the next 525,600 minutes.

365 days to learn how to relax & become stress free. Ha Ha Ha. Ridiculous idea but I’m up for it.

Every year, I make a new year’s resolution to blog daily. I’ve come to realize that it is not the best option for me. Life happens. I cannot always participate. I’ m mixing it up this year and only committing to at least 52 blog entries for the whole year – not week by week but all in total.

In 12 months, I’m excited to see how much I grow as a person. Join me on my journey to discover myself.

Sacred

In 2016, I was officially diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety along being told that I’m severely anemic. While the anemia is easily treatable with enough iron in my body, the depression and anxiety has been a lot harder to overcome.

I’ve been in therapy for almost the entire year. I have learned different relaxing techniques to calm down my anxiety. I have gotten my anxiety down to just rapid heart rate, instead of the whole not breathing thing. Proud of myself for using cognitive therapy skills to better cope with my anxiety.

The depression has been the worst one to deal with so far. I have been taking medication (paxil) almost religiously. It’s still been extremely hard to overcome. I’ve taken many mental health days off of work to cope with it. Thankfully, I have not missed anything major and my work is very accommodating of mental illness. The paxil makes me yawn nonstop and makes me seem so unprofessional. Even when on the medication, I have not been able to force myself to get out of bed. It’s been really tough. It was sometime last week when it finally hit me how depressed I really was. I was looking up how to kill myself with a paxil overdose. My wake up call.

It was during those desperate moments that I decided to make a sacred pact with myself and decided to get off the medication altogether and naturally treat depression. I have made a plan to force myself to do a plethora of things to take me to the end of 2016 and then ways to implement them in 2017. I plan on joining the gym, getting more sunshine, journaling/blogging, positive thinking, realizing constantly that I am doing something worthwhile with myself. I know that it will be a lot harder than I think it may be to overcome depression but I am going to do it. The medical side effects are almost worse than the actual depression. I can no longer participate in that. I will continue to go to therapy though and implementing various techniques to continue overcoming my anxiety & now depression.

I give myself at least until February 2017 to see if my natural ways help or not before going back on any type of medication. I understand that there is a time and need for it but for me, I’m done with it – at least for now.

Through therapy, I have finally come to realize why I’ve been more depressed now than I was previously. It is going to sound so selfish and it is but I’ve always been an overachiever. I’ve always relished in doing many things and relishing in my success. I didn’t have a choice then. I had to work 4 jobs to pay for college. My parents could not afford it and I wouldn’t have asked them to pay for my education. My parents gave up their entire lives so that I could have a better education and moved across oceans. I couldn’t break their hearts and tell them that I can’t get to higher education because I simply cannot afford it. I made it happen somehow.

Now, my life seems to have calmed down a bit and I’m starting out my career, I don’t have that high anxiety & stress environment. I think that’s what’s causing my to have these feelings of unworthiness. For some reason, I think if I’m not busy all the time, I’m wasting away not only my life but the lives of 2 other people who gave up everything so that I could have a better life. The only thing is that I have no idea what more I could be doing.

I cannot volunteer where I live because the potential for a conflict of interest is pretty high in most of the places where I would even want to be. I don’t think that going back to school to get a second doctorate will really help much except for increasing my already $200K student loan. I’m at a loss but thankfully, Pinterest has provided me with many ideas to look into to see if I can naturally beat depression.

No matter what, I think that there’s always hope because no matter how ugly it gets, once you remember the grace & mercy of the One above, it’s all worthwhile!

Craving

It’s funny that today’s prompt is craving. I’m craving control. I was supposed to be doing outreach in a different city tomorrow but I found out about an hour ago, it’s been cancelled. Now, I don’t get to go home earlier because that city is closer to my parents than where I live. I wanted to see my parents tomorrow as it’s going to be my birthday. I haven’t lived in the same city as my parents in almost 5 years. While we’ve always celebrated my birthday together on a different day, I was looking forward to celebrating with them on my actual birthday. I understand that this makes me sound like a brat but I don’t know what else to do. I’m sad. I gave into my cravings today. I broke down and had a coca-cola today. I’ve been doing so good about not having any. I haven’t had any in a month. I was proud of myself. Now, I’m more mad at myself for giving into my craving. I also bought a ton of fried food and ate it all.

If only, I had control over myself and my schedule…

I just want to yell, cry, and hug the floor as I fall asleep.

Muse

So many of us wait our whole lives for the muse to show up and shower us with inspiration. We’re so focused the on the fact that the muse is lost that we forget the most important purpose of the muse: finding ourselves. Muses can only inspire. They cannot create. It is us who must do the work.

“Inspiration exists but it has to find you working.” – Pablo Picasso

I remind myself of this often. Inspiration and muses cannot do much if no one is willing to put the work in.

 

Anyone with Anxiety is Profound

Dictionary.com defines profound as the following:

adjective, profounder, profoundest.
1. penetrating or entering deeply into subjects of thought or knowledge;having deep insight or understanding: a profound thinker.
2. originating in or penetrating to the depths of one’s being; profoundgrief.
3. being or going far beneath what is superficial, external, or obvious: profound insight.
4. of deep meaning; of great and broadly inclusive significance: a profound book.
5. pervasive or intense; thorough; complete: a profound silence.
6. extending, situated, or originating far down, or far beneath the surface: the profound depths of the ocean.
7. low: a profound bow. noun, Literary.
8. something that is profound.
9.  the deep sea; ocean.
10.   depth; abyss.
“Anyone with Anxiety is Profound”
  1. Anyone with anxiety is profound. Constant thoughts about the future, knowing each path can somehow be made better if you only knew what’s in store
  2. Anyone with anxiety is profound. Every fiber of your being is constantly yelling do better than your best. If you can’t do it, then the world will end. There’s no escape.
  3. Anyone with anxiety is profound. Only people with anxiety can come up with multiple scenarios, realistic scenarios, in which everything can go wrong if they’re not doing the best they can
  4. Anyone with anxiety is profound. Every little detail matters. There must be hidden meaning in that tone or that text. Now, everyone hates you. You brought this on yourself because you weren’t good enough.
  5. Anyone with anxiety is profound. The anxiety plagued are always very thorough in their assessment that the world hates them because they’re themselves. If only, something better existed.
  6. Anyone with anxiety is profound. We can pull back memories from 17 years ago. Every single embarrassing moment and only if we’d handled it differently. Perhaps by being someone else, someone better.
  7.  Anyone with anxiety is profound. Low. No explanation needed.
  8. Anyone with anxiety is profound. Thinking it’s possible that you could be ok with being yourself.
  9. Anyone with anxiety is profound. Anxiety affects the inner workings of the body but wreaks havoc on the mind like a pissed off Poseidon.
  10. Anyone with anxiety is profound. It truly is a deep abyss from which there’s no coming back.

Apology

Apologies are always hard, especially when the person you are apologizing to is yourself.

This may seem like the most selfish thing in the world but I have to apologize to myself. My past self needs to apologize to my present self, my present self needs to apologize to my future self, and my future self needs to apologize to both my present and past selves.

Apology from past to present me:

I’m sorry. I have always tried to push you hard into being a good person. I equated your value and your humanness to good grades. Not good people. I’m sorry that I made you learn about depression in a way you never wanted to know it. However, I will never apologize about making you aware of mental illness. I want to apologize for you missing out on some big opportunities because I would’t get out of bed. Looking back, I’m sure you hate me but from the past, try to remember getting out of bed was the best thing that could’ve happened during the day. I want to apologize that I took our parents and family for granted. I should have done more for them. I should have been a better friend to A.B. who committed suicide. I’m sorry that I made you feel that somehow for some odd reason you felt nothing when you found out he died. I’m sorry that I went on my day like nothing had happened. I’m sorry that I didn’t feel the pain then and now you have to deal with it in random bursts of self pity.

Apology from present to future me:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I equate a good career to your value as a human being in society. I am working on it. I’m sorry that I’m still having a hard time learning how to make friends. I’m sorry that on top of dealing with depression, I’ve added anxiety into the mix. Heck, I’ve added a heck more than just anxiety, what with the self loathing and pity. Sad part is, no matter how many times I say it, I know that sorry won’t make me ever go back on anything. I’m sorry that I’m having such a hard time establishing relationships. I’m sorry that I’m letting my career take over the desire to be a good friend. I’m sorry that you have me to deal with.

Apology from future to past and present me:

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve always been there as a barrier to you living life instead of worrying about me. I’m sorry that I gave you depression. I’m sorry that I gave you anxiety. I’m sorry that you felt that you wouldn’t amount to anything if you didn’t have good grades or a great career. I’m sorry that I didn’t back away and just let you be a good person.I’m sorry that whenever you’re down, somewhere deep down, I’m always the reason. I’m sorry that I’ve kept you both, past and present selves, from enjoying your own time. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you in time to tell you everything will be fine. But I am proud of both of you, my past and present selves, because no matter what’s come our way or thought it’d come our way, you have always had faith in God. You’ve always held on the fact that He’ll make everything great. I’m sorry that you don’t have faith in yourself but in hindsight, faith in God’s all you’ve ever needed.

Music

In response to the Daily Post: Music 

My whole life I’ve been tone deaf. Not really. But I have never given it a thought as it wasn’t going to help me become a doctor or so I was told. I can’t sing and I’ve always been mocked my family and told to stop as soon as I open my mouth to sing. I can’t understand the beat. I pretty much cut it out of my life, only listening when others had it on. It wasn’t until I got into law school (4 years ago) that I thought what the heck? I started listening to music. I’m still tone deaf. I still can’t sing. I’m convinced that I have the superpower to make people go deaf with my terrible singing. But I listen because even though I can’t understand the beats, I feel the emotions underneath the beat. I think that’s what music’s all about. What do I know? I’m as illiterate about music as a 4 year old.

Scars

Daily Prompt: Scars

My scars have definitely made me stronger. They remind of what I lost and what I gained. They’re not visible scars. They’re not emotional scars. They are scars that I’ve put on myself. They’re the expectations I’ve set for myself. They’re scars from my own failures. They’re scars that remind me how far I still have to go. They’re scars that remind me how far I have already gotten. They’re scars that give me the strength to keep going. They’re scars. They hurt from time to time. They bring back all the terrible memories. They bring back all the wonderful people that stood by me as the scars healed. They’re scars. They’re my scars.

Key Takeaway

Daily Prompt: Give your newer sisters and brothers-in-WordPress one piece of advice based on your experiences blogging. If you’re a new blogger, what’s one question you’d like to ask other bloggers?

Advice for others:

I don’t consider myself an experienced blogger but if I still had to give a piece of advice, it would be to keep going. If your goal was to blog every single day for a month and you miss a day, keep going. Don’t let that one day or even a week get in the way of you blogging for the rest of the 3 weeks.

Question for other bloggers:

I normally just answer daily prompts but how do you recommend that I make my blog about a specific theme? I have problems coming up with topics and that’s why I use the daily prompts but I would still like there to be a theme to my blog. How do you find that balance?

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